I have been in a funk lately. Not just any old funk, but a HUGE one. I am not sure of the reason why, except, possibly, the winter season. I am always prey to cold, snow, and ice, and I think that might be the biggest reason I'm feeling the way I am. I am continuing to lose weight, but it's a little slower now. So far, I'm at 27 pounds.
My surgery should be scheduled between February 4th and 11th. My last appointment with the dietitician prior to surgery is February 4th, and she told me the surgery would be scheduled that day for sometime that week.
I'm totally excited about it; it's going to be a change in my life, my lifestyle, the way I look at things, everything.
I'm not too excited about the medical bills, however. I may have to get a second job to help pay them off.
I feel like I'm in a downward financial spiral right now; there never seems enough money to pay the bills. And I'm going to have to put my sewing machine to use after I start losing weight, since I don't think I am going to be able to afford much in new clothes. I will have to invest in new undergarments, but I'll try to alter the rest of my clothes.
I am also thinking of the extra skin. I have no idea how much there will be, but I do know that I will not be able to afford cosmetic surgery. I know that insurance will pay for some if it presents medical issues, like rashes, sores, that sort of thing. I'm not sure if I'll have that much skin hanging. I kinda hope I do, since insurance would pay for most of it, if I develop problems. I don't necessarily want to develop the problems, though, so it's kind of a conundrum.
I am already under-growing some of my pants, and have started to give them away. My closet is looking a little sparse. Not really, just sparse for me. Some kind of obsessive-compulsive thing, I guess, about having "enough" of everything. Heck, I have more than I need and then some.
I have to keep remembering that God is taking care of me. Sometimes, when I get caught up in the little dramas of my life, I tend to put Him aside, since I'm sure I can handle it on my own. After all, He wants time off too, right?? Wrong. That's when I get into trouble; when I think I can handle everything on my own.
So I guess the whole financial thing, the skin thing, all of it, needs to be turned over to God. He will lead me to the right solutions to take care of all my issues.
HA! That's some statement, huh? Well, everyone has issues; I don't care who you are, how much money you have, how much family you have, how much anything you have. Everyone has issues.
I'm not sure why I thought I had to post my issues on a blog, but it helps me sort things out. It's kind of like all you dear readers out there are my therapists.
Well, sort out what I have talked about today, and let me know how I am, okay? LOL
See you all later. :)

Catching Up

I haven't been here in a while. Life is a little busy, and a little sad right now; I'm still a little sad about Walter, and I'm busy with work. I'm getting a little better at paying attention to what I eat, though. Also, I'm learning to not pay attention to eating all the time. I'm finding I don't do it so much anymore. I guess it's because I'm making choices to do other things, like ironing (I love to iron), sewing, making my projects for my wall in my living room, going out with friends, spending time with my grandsons, and talking to my ex husband on the phone. I have also spent some time getting my office more organized; I love doing projects in here when it's orderly.
Debby, thank you for my treadmill. I'm walking it every day, even if some days it's only for 15 minutes. At least, it's something.
I don't have a lot to reflect on right now, so this is very, very short. I'll be back.

Emotional Times

I have been "off" since Walter died. It seems I lost my focus for a while. I have not been eating breakfast regularly, I have been skipping lunch, and eating things that are not healthy for me. It has truly been an emotional eating time. I will need to process this with the nutritionist when I meet with her next week. Maybe the nut doctor too. I have to learn how to get a handle on that when bad or good things happen. I imagine that's part of what got me here in the first place.
I've been sad and lonely. It's hard to come home when I know he's not there waiting for me. He was truly a one-person dog, and I was that person.
Someday, I might think about another dog, but not now.
You know what else I did? I bought new clothes. So much for my resolution! It's a comfort thing, I'm sure of that. Just like the food. Makes me think of how much our own self-talk drives us.
I need to get a handle on this; I can't go the rest of my life feeling and being fat, lonely, unloved. It sucks.
This is the first time I have really thought about being lonely. I like living alone, don't get me wrong. I just think it would be nice to have a person in my life that I could call anytime, and he would come over, or I would go to his house, and just be comforted, and have conversation, and....you know. :)
It's been many years; I often think I am turning into my mother, who really became a lonely, bitter old woman before she died. I don't want to be that person. I would love to be one of those silver-haired old ladies who has more energy than I have now. I don't know; I guess I'm just feeling dispirited right now, and I'm sure that most of it is grief and mourning. I would love to put a timetable on that, and decide that on such and such a date, I will be done with it. But we all know that it doesn't happen that way. I just have to get through it.

Walter

Today, I lost my dog. My companion, my roommate, my albatross, my friend. Walter was 4 years old on September 5, 2008. I got him when he was 9 weeks old, and we have been inseparable since. He was truly my dog. In fact, he was a driving force in me buying a house; a dog has to have a house and a yard, right? Wherever I was in the house, he was beside me. He slept on my bed, and wouldn't come inside when I would call him.
In fact, he wouldn't come at all when I called him. He was my Oppositional Defiant Shar-Pei. His kidneys were shut down by 85%, and his pancreas was infected. Treatment would have been questionable, and he would have been on dialysis and medication the rest of his life. I wouldn't let my family do that to me, so I could not do it to Walter. I was with him when he died, with my hand on his head. He rarely let me pet his head, and didn't let anyone else ever do it. I was the only one who could ever pet his soft, soft nose. He was a bag of skin and wrinkles, and the most lovable dog I've ever had. I will miss him like crazy.

Baby Got Back

It's been a while. I'm still feeling a little overwhelmed with all this health stuff; it's new to me. I have always been the kind of person that just stumbles along, and whatever happens, you deal with it. Now, my life is becoming more purposeful, and it feels strange and good all at the same time. I have lost 4 pounds, with little effort. The only thing I am really doing differently is being aware of everything I am putting in my mouth. I'm also asking myself: Am I eating because it's mealtime and I'm hungry, or is there another reason? Sometimes, if it's another reason, I eat anyway, and then figure out what was going on. Something new that is happening: I wake up hungry. Strangest thing in the world to me. I'm 56 years old, and have NEVER been a morning eater. I remember my mother and I fighting in the mornings because I would not eat breakfast. In fact, if I did not eat my oatmeal in the morning, I often faced it for dinner that night. Yep, that's right, I was a member of the Clean Plate Club. I remember my father saying, before he died, that there were plenty of hungry children in China. And I really did respond, "Well, send them this stinking oatmeal!" The idea of waking up and putting food in my mouth right away was repugnant, and has been until recently. I'm still fighting with the idea that it's okay to wake up hungry, so I'm still not good on the breakfast thingy, but I am making an effort to eat one hour after waking up. For me, that's tremendous progress. That's also in line with my medication regime, since I have to take the Synthroid first thing in the morning, and can't eat for one hour afterwards. That one hour seems like a long time, when I'm waking up hungry!
I feel sometimes like I'm purging my life; I'm determined to lose weight, and along the way, I am getting healthier. In addition to that, I am changing some other lifelong habits I've had, such as spending. I'm not buying many new clothes now. That used to be my "feel good" thing. Now I'm realizing that I really can't afford to do that. Not only that, it's a temporary solution to a permanent problem. So I am cleaning out my closets, a little at a time, and getting rid of things. I have discovered, to my shame and horror, that I have clothes in my closet that still have the tags on them, and I can't remember when I bought them! That stinks. I made Retail America a little richer, while driving myself into the poorhouse. All just to make me feel good. NO MORE! I am wearing jeans I thought didn't fit me, and they do. I am wearing shirts I thought were too tight, or too short, or too whatever, and they look just fine. I had plenty of excuses to shop. Amvets is going to love me when they pick up the next donation. :)
We think 100% of the time. I am learning to direct my thinking, instead of just doing it randomly, letting my brain do whatever it wants. Of course, I always do that at work, but in off times, at home, I just let my mind wander. Now, I'm not letting it do that. I am thinking about why I put food in my mouth I don't need, and sometimes don't even necessarily want. In fact, this blog is a good way to keep my mind directed and purposeful.
With all that said, today is a beautiful day. My dog, Walter, and I are going to enjoy it by going for a walk. I might have to drag him part of the way home (he's a Shar-Pei with a mind of his own; I call him my Oppositional Defiant Dog), but we are going to enjoy the rest of this day. Readers, if you are enjoying this blog, or learning anything from it, I am very grateful. :)

I have been reading "Emotional Eating", assigned by my psychologist and my nutritionist. In reading it, I am discovering a few things about myself, such as: I never thought I was an emotional eater, but I was angry with my mother for most of my teen years. That had an impact.
I always thought I ate because I was bored. Not so. What I can't wrap my mind around is this: how does putting food in one's mouth control a situation? I have to process that with the psychologist, and see what she says.
I also found out that my thyroid is out of whack, and that I have sleep apnea. It's probably a good thing to find out, but it all seems a little overwhelming. I have to be put on Synthroid for my thyroid, and it will be for the ret of my life. I need a CPAP machine to help me sleep, but probably only until I lose some weight.
The thought of losing weight is sometimes scaring me. I don't want to lose who I am, and yet, why would I? My fat is not what defines me; my soul defines me. I recently read an article in the Fargo Forum about a family of siblings, and some of their spouses and children all had the surgery, and they are all doing wonderfully well. And then I think maybe that's what scares me. I live alone, and don't have built-in support like a lot of people do. That sounds like I'm building myself up for failure, so never mind that statement. I know I have plenty of support; friends and family.
My ex-husband moved back to Fargo this weekend. He was kind of being a butt on the last 2 days, so it wasn't hard to say goodbye, but I know there will be lots of days I will miss him like crazy. We could always talk about anything. We still can, but it won't be face-to-face, and that's what I'll miss. He is going to continue to pursue the bariatric surgery up there, when his new insurance kicks in. We have joked that we won't recognize each other when we see each other again. LOL That would be a joke!
Well, I need to get back to reading; I need to finish the book. I will come back, I promise, and it won't be so long next time. :)

I went to see the nut doctor today; you know, the psychologist. She knows I call her that, and she's okay with it.
So anyway, we talked about losses I have had in my life, and losses I may be anticipating. I told her about losing my ex-husband to the state of North Dakota. But what I didn't think about until afterwards was the loss of my weight. My weight has been both a buffer and a barrier for 40 years. What am I going to do without it?
That has always been my excuse for failing at relationships, for leaving relationships, for not being in a relationship right now. Notice the pattern?
I have not always been a solitary person; in fact, if asked, I would tell you I am an extrovert. I like speaking to large groups, I like being around people, but I also like my alone time. In fact, I wouldn't be a very nice person without it.
But, I digress. The real point here is that a large (notice the pun?) part of my identity has been my weight. I don't know with what or how I will identify after I begin losing weight. Will I have to develop a whole new me? But I like the old me! I just don't like the fat. I think I'm funny, smart, clever, personable, and can be charming, when I choose. Will I still have those qualities if I'm thin?
This is crazy. Of course I will. Why would they go away if my weight goes away? The two aren't related at all, right? Characteristics and qualities don't necessarily go hand-in-hand with body/image. Of course I know that. I think I'm just feeling a little nervous about the change thingy.
Well, more later. I'm loving this, Karen. :)

I have always heard the saying, "Today is the first day of the rest of my life". I always thought to myself, "yeah, yeah", and just went on doing whatever I was doing. Then something happened. I'm not sure I can tell you what it was, but it was an Oprah moment. You know....that AHA! moment. I woke up one day, and said, "I'm tired of being fat. I'm tired of having no energy. I'm tired of feeling ugly. I'm tired of buying big clothes. I'm tired of squeezing into the airplane seat, and I'm tired of feeling sorry for the person sitting next to me. I'm tired of being stared at. I'm just tired." So I have decided, with my doctor's help, to have the gastric bypass surgery. I have researched the risks. Sure, I could die. But I could die from being in a diabetic coma too. Sure, I might get infections. But I could also get bitten by a mosquite carrying the West Nile virus. There's a lot of "mights" in this world, but none so big as the one that prevents you from reaching for what you want.
Thank you, Karen, for the inspiration to write this blog. Perhaps someone else will read this, and begin to recognize that he/she can also reach their goals. :) And Phil and Kyle and Rachel, you came up with some awesome titles. Thanks!
I am going to publish a picture soon; I just don't know when. More later.