I went to see the nut doctor today; you know, the psychologist. She knows I call her that, and she's okay with it.
So anyway, we talked about losses I have had in my life, and losses I may be anticipating. I told her about losing my ex-husband to the state of North Dakota. But what I didn't think about until afterwards was the loss of my weight. My weight has been both a buffer and a barrier for 40 years. What am I going to do without it?
That has always been my excuse for failing at relationships, for leaving relationships, for not being in a relationship right now. Notice the pattern?
I have not always been a solitary person; in fact, if asked, I would tell you I am an extrovert. I like speaking to large groups, I like being around people, but I also like my alone time. In fact, I wouldn't be a very nice person without it.
But, I digress. The real point here is that a large (notice the pun?) part of my identity has been my weight. I don't know with what or how I will identify after I begin losing weight. Will I have to develop a whole new me? But I like the old me! I just don't like the fat. I think I'm funny, smart, clever, personable, and can be charming, when I choose. Will I still have those qualities if I'm thin?
This is crazy. Of course I will. Why would they go away if my weight goes away? The two aren't related at all, right? Characteristics and qualities don't necessarily go hand-in-hand with body/image. Of course I know that. I think I'm just feeling a little nervous about the change thingy.
Well, more later. I'm loving this, Karen. :)